“To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.”
We want to protect our children, don’t we? It’s what we do because it is what we have always done. From the time they were little we have been there to shield them from danger and to protect them from hurt and pain. It isn’t easy to turn that off just because they are adults. They are still our children and we are still their moms.
The problem is that we are most often trying to protect them from themselves now, which is virtually impossible to do. They are making their own choices and even when they are bad choices with the potential to hurt them, we can’t do anything about it. When we try, we get lost on a roller coaster of emotions that includes a lot of pain and anxiety.
It seems impossible for us to let go and permit our kids to face the realities of their choices and actions. However, with God, we can do it! He can and will give us the strength, courage, and wisdom to allow them space to experience and recognize the results and consequences of what they are doing. We must turn to Him and then trust Him to help us and to help them. He’s waiting for us to let go or surrender them so that He can be the one to help them in ways we cannot begin to imagine.
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I recently was directed to your website which I find to be comforting. Too many, in our society, do not understand my life situation. I followed the societal rules of marrying, having a family, and having a job. After divorce, I went on to earn both undergraduate and graduate degrees. With my studies, tragically discovered that my ex-husband was a narcissist-sociopath. My family of origin suffered from domestic violence and alcoholism. So, I obviously and unconsciously repeated the dysfunctional behavioral pattern. I was married for sixteen years and was stalked, harassed, and assaulted for ten years after divorce. It was a nightmare and the family court system only re-traumatized. My three adult children took anger and revenge out on me, rather than their father, because I am the safe parent. We have suffered from my ex-husband’s intentional alienation between mother and child. Now, my children and I have both physical and mental health symptoms as a result of serious trauma. The community, in general, is not supportive. Recently, even long terms friends choose to victim blame for lack of understanding these complex dynamics and most do not consider the damage caused by domestic violence. One long-term friend (which I will now let go of) said that all I have to do is “give my children JESUS”. She is upset because my youngest son is suffering a health crisis and she blames me though I gave my son “JESUS” decades ago. It is painful to be blamed though I have gone above and beyond to protect and support my children. Cathy: Have you written about those who use religion to blame the victim? If so, I would like to read it. I do not know what more I can do to help my children. Some Christians push religion down my throat and seem to believe that simply giving JESUS to them solves our problems. These people seem delusional and I truly wish it were that simple. I believe these people have not been through a harsh life experience which challenges their beliefs. It is very painful and terrifying to go through these horrors, to be blamed, to see no limits or accountability for the perpetrator, while my children suffer.