Several years into my journey as a Hurting Mom my husband and I began to attend church. I was seeking something . . . anything to help me to start to feel again. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t laugh, and I rarely even smiled. In order to protect myself from the excruciating pain I had experienced I had sealed off my heart and it had become hard and stony. I had become numb.
As I sat in church I looked around at other people and it seemed like they had it all together. I could sense their peace and joy and I knew I wanted what they had, but I had no idea how I was going to get there. They probably had perfect kids who hadn’t hurt them the way I had been hurt. They probably didn’t have the weight of guilt and shame that I had because I blamed myself for my daughter’s problems.
As the weeks went by, I learned the words to the worship songs and the messages from God’s word started to make sense. I was able to apply what I heard to my own shattered and broken life and I began to notice that I was changing. I still looked the same on the outside, but I was changing on the inside. There finally came a week where the tears started to roll down my face as I worshiped. In fact, once I started to cry, I had a hard time stopping. The next thing I noticed was that I was smiling more and the first time I heard my own deep guttural laugh it took me completely by surprise because it had been such a long time since I had laughed. God was changing me. He was softening my heart and as I learned to trust Him my fear of letting myself feel anything began to disappear.
While studying my bible one day I came across a verse, Ezekiel 36:26, that says, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” I couldn’t believe it! This was a promise from God that I had never seen before. I was overwhelmed with gratitude as I realized that He had indeed kept this promise to me. My stony and numb heart had become soft. I could feel again and I was beginning to have the peace and joy in my own life that I had longed for as I watched other people. God was working in me in ways I had not dared to dream about.
It is because of what God has done in my life that I started Hurting Moms Mending Hearts. I wanted to share what He has done for me with other moms who are in the middle of their own pain and turmoil over their kids. I want to help Hurting Moms understand that we can have peace and joy regardless of what our children are doing or not doing. God is so good and He is standing by waiting for us to turn to Him for our comfort. We are not alone. We have each other and we have Him.